Office Space

It was back in January 2010 that I decided once and for all what I had to do. I can’t believe it’s been two whole years already. Time is funny like that, in some ways it feels like a flash but in others it feels like this transition has been going on forever. 2010 was a busy year, I started therapy, started hormones, started really working on my body, started electrolysis, and started coming out. That was the year when I abandoned all pretense of being “straight” in my personal life. I stopped pretending to like girls, and I stopped pretending to be masculine. That was also the year when I really started pushing the envelope with the cross dressing. I had done a little bit in 2009 but I was already getting bored by the whole experience and I would have quit cross dressing altogether if my therapist hadn’t told me that “gender is a lived experience”, and a feminine presentation was part of the work I had to do. So I did it. I was a terrible cross dresser but I stuck at it and eventually I started to understand what it was all about. It’s about owning who you are. I have always been very self-conscious about my face so I eventually gave up trying to look female and just became comfortable in my own skin. By the time we rolled into 2011, I was quite comfortable being almost anywhere in a very androgynous presentation. The more comfortable I became, the more confusion I caused to waiters and clerks etc. I think these days I actually feel like I’ve shed my skin, like a Cicada or something. I feel like there’s nothing masculine left and after my FFS is healed I honestly don’t think anyone who doesn’t already know, would ever know.

I started coming out professionally in the summer of 2011. I told work friends, and family, and clients, and then …October came along and I really came out at work. By the time November was over I was 100% out to my boss, his boss, HR and everyone else who had a pulse. What the hell happened?  I gotta tell ya, this was not what I had planned but I just went crazy or something and basically started telling everyone who would stand still long enough that I was a tranny. It’s like years of hiding just sort of bubbled over and exploded. Luckily, everyone was okay. Our HR director was very helpful and understanding and basically just said “we would work it out”. I was surprised but this whole experience really got me thinking about how we always tend to expect the worst from people. My dad, who isn’t exactly thrilled about this whole thing, said something pretty profound during one of our coming out conversations. I mentioned that I didn’t plan on transitioning in my current job and he asked why not? Well, I said because I don’t think they would take it very well, and he said; “Why don’t you give them a chance to make up their own minds? They might surprise you”. He was absolutely right of course. They did surprise me and I was forced to learn that people have a much greater capacity for understanding and compassion than I gave them credit for. So that’s just one more thing to add to the long list of things that I had wrong about transitioning. This process is so bizarre and mind bending that the only thing that I know for sure anymore, is that I don’t know a damn thing about a damn thing. Every time I think I know how something is going to unfold, it ends up being just one more thing I was wrong about. I am not just learning a lot about myself in this transition, I’m also learning a bunch of life lessons that I’m sure will serve me well in the years to come. Everything changes in a few weeks with my FFS and then I start a new chapter of my life, and that chapter will be titled; How to succeed in business without embarrassing your poor bosses. I do feel a little guilty for putting them through this along with me, but I will make it up to them for sure. For the price of a little heartburn for a short while, they get a dedicated and grateful employee who will never forget the understanding they showed me during a very difficult time of my life. I’ve never been one to get sentimental over a job or a company but I just can’t help but feel extremely lucky to have these people on my side. I would have argued strongly against staying at my job just a year ago, but now I can hardly remember why. In my field, I could work anywhere, but I truly can’t imagine working anywhere else.