Stumblin' in

Why am I sitting here at my computer on such a beautiful day? It is absolutely gorgeous outside and here I sit banging away at my keyboard like some weird hermit philosopher. That’s just how it is for me I guess. I never seem to be able to write when I want to, only when the words want to, inspiration only hits me every now and then, so when it hits, I’d better pay attention. Today I’m thinking about my transition. I was up late last night reading a lot of blogs by T-girls in various stages of transition and even some cross-dressers. I felt a kinship with very few of them. It is fascinating to me that we are all so different even though we have such a huge issue in common. A lot has happened to me in the last couple of years since I “discovered” my little problem.  I was extremely naïve when I first began researching my feelings, but now I can hardly remember what it was like to be so confused. The transition path that I have been traveling feels like the most natural thing in the world. That’s why I was so interested in the blogs that I found from those that regret transitioning. At first I couldn’t imagine why someone would regret making an effort to find themselves but after reading I began to understand how someone could inadvisably stumble down the wrong path. Obviously a gender change is a huge event. This isn’t a new hairstyle, or even a major change in lifestyle, it is a complete departure from everything you’ve known. How could someone do such a thing by mistake? Well, I think it would be much easier to do than one could imagine. The spectrum of gender expression is so wide that it would be quite easy to confuse feelings with fantasies. I say I was naïve and it was mainly because I had somehow miraculously lived forty years without ever being aware of any TG community. I never even considered the concept of men who feel compelled to cross-dress and I certainly wasn’t aware that they existed in such huge numbers. It’s no secret by now that as a young boy I wished I was born a girl, but it is a complete mystery to me why I never seriously explored cross-dressing. Oh there were little episodes here and there, but I’m talking about three, maybe four times spread out over twenty years and except for once it was just part of bedroom play with my then wife. When I first began scouring the internet for answers, I found dozens of websites and forums devoted to cross-dressers. At first I was delighted to find people like me, but after a few months I began to realize that they weren’t like me at all. I was actually quite disheartened that I didn’t share the prevailing experience of wanting to cross-dress throughout my life, and I thought this meant that maybe I was wrong again about who or what I was. Remember, I struggled for many years with the idea that I was gay, and then finally came out, only to realize that I wasn’t attracted to gay men. How’s that for a mindbender? So now I find out that I don’t really have gender issues either? Yikes, what in the hell is wrong with me then? Looking back, I feel very fortunate to have been so naïve and confused because it was that confusion that drove me into therapy. I have always felt like an imposter as a man, but I really had no idea what that was supposed to mean and I was hoping that a therapist could help me understand myself a lot better. I didn’t know that a letter from a therapist was required before I could start an HRT program, so when she asked me if that’s why I was there, I quite honestly said no. I was there because I wanted to be sure I’m not crazy before I started doing something crazy. After the standard twelve sessions I had my letter and the comfortable knowledge that not being a cross-dresser didn’t mean I wasn’t a transsexual, it just meant I wasn’t a cross-dresser. To this day, after ten months on HRT, I’m still not a cross-dresser. Thankfully I never had that issue to contend with, because I can imagine that it would really screw up your perceptions about who you are. It’s my understanding that the overwhelming majority of cross-dressers are straight men who somehow feel compelled to explore their own subordinated femininity. Some of them are rather manly men who are very closeted and terribly conflicted about the whole thing. Some of them aren’t really exploring femininity they just get a bit of a sexual charge out of wearing women’s clothes. Honestly there seems to be an endless variety of men who cross dress and they all seem to have their own reasons for doing it so I don’t pretend to understand them, but I can’t deny that I find the whole thing fascinating. The whole concept of a “gender spectrum” is as interesting to me as it is foreign to those fortunate souls who were born with no issues about their gender or sexuality. How wonderful that must be to grow up as a normal heterosexual man or woman. I am finally proud of who I am, but indeed, my life would have been so much easier if I wasn’t born so “special”.