are we there yet?

“You look more feminine and pretty than I’ve ever seen you look”.

That’s what my friend Jenni said as we were headed across the bridge to the city. We were both looking forward to a great time, and I was feeling much better about myself than I was at last year’s event. So now it’s four in the morning and I’m still on the verge of tears, because I guess I had my first official breakdown yesterday at Santacon. It was totally unexpected because I thought I was emotionally okay with this whole transition by now. In the beginning, I cried a lot. I cried during the whole time I was bouncing back and forth between accepting myself, or continuing my life as it was. I cried when I finally gave up and said out loud to no one, except some trees, that I was a transsexual. I cried when I started the hormones …and I think that was about it for the emotional theatrics. There may have been a few assorted tears about one thing or another, but mostly happy tears and I really thought the hard part was behind me.

So much has happened in the last two years that I can barely remember what I felt like in the very beginning. It’s been like a snowball that started real slow and eventually picked up speed and keeps getting bigger and faster, at an exponential rate. The last six months have probably been the most eventful so far. I basically finished coming out to everyone as trans including everyone at work, and I have the date scheduled for my FFS. I am now a real life transitioning transsexual and I feel like a walking billboard, or tranny information center sometimes, and I’m totally okay with it. Like I said, I really thought I was in a good place emotionally. Now I’m starting to wonder. It’s never really bothered me that people looked twice, or snickered at me, or whispered so loud that everyone within fifty feet could hear. (whispers are supposed to be quiet!) I’ve kinda always reveled in it, and was proud to let my freak flag fly. But now it’s different for some reason. My presentation improves every week, and so many of the little things that make up the life of a tranny really do get easier over time, but there is one thing that seems to be getting harder. I remember when it was all about “passing”, when all I cared about was putting together a convincing presentation. I rarely passed up close but somehow it didn’t bother me. People knew what I was, and for the most part they were polite about it. There wasn’t any reason to whisper because it was obvious. I don’t recall getting my feelings hurt ever, and I was generally under the impression that my feelings couldn’t be hurt in that way. “Only somebody I cared about could hurt my feelings”, I would proclaim to my poor friends who I’m sure have been through quite an ordeal over the last year or two. Well yesterday, I crossed a new milestone in my transition; hyper sensitivity. I am closer now than I ever was to the holy grail of “passing” up close and in broad daylight. I’m closer, but I’m still not there, and it is really starting to hurt. I used to love it when people would want to take their pictures with me, or I would see someone across the street pointing their camera at me. It didn’t bother me at all, I was in San Francisco and I was part of the scenery, a real live tranny! Well yesterday in a line for the restroom, a girl came up to me and complimented me on my dress. (cute, short, saucy, Santa tramp outfit) What a sweet compliment I thought, and I was starting to think that maybe today wasn’t so bad and then about a minute later, she came back with two friends and said she just had to get a picture with me. That was crushing. Right out of the blue I felt like there was a sign above my head; Real Live Tranny, and I felt really self-conscious for the first time in many months. This time, it hurt much worse than it ever did. I don’t blame the girls of course, they were very sweet and they had no idea it was so painful for me. It was Santcon after all, and everyone was dressed up. I could have just been a regular dude playing around as far as they knew. Here I am getting my picture taken between two girls who were laughing and giggling, and I can’t remember ever feeling so alone.

Before you think I was just over reacting, let me clarify that it was just that kind of day. From the minute we walked out of the parking garage, I felt like a spectacle. I just seemed to notice a lot more people noticing me for some reason. More double takes, more pointing, more quick head turns as I looked their way. More whispers. Maybe it was the time of day, (noonish) maybe it was the gathering of thousands of people who were not all from my beloved Bay. Nobody was mean to me, I didn’t notice any hostility or dirty looks, I was simply VERY aware of being read as a tranny. After a while, it really started to get to me, and as much as I tried to keep smiling it was just getting harder and harder. The most painful times were when they didn’t read me right away. I was standing in the crowd at Washington Square waiting for the Naked Santa, um exposition, and some guy walked up and started flirting with me. The usual “where are you from” stuff and yadda yadda, and then I could see him suddenly realize what I was, and he just turned around and walked away. I wasn’t even attracted to him (too short, too skinny) but it hit me pretty hard that I was so hideous a creature that he couldn’t even take a second to say “gotta go”.  This kind of thing would have never bothered me in the past, but then again I don’t think anyone would have been fooled even for a minute in broad daylight. So is that the problem? ALMOST passing? Whatever it is, I don’t like this stage and I’m eager to move on to the next one. My FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) is supposed to be in April, but I’m going to try and get it pushed up as early as possible. Yesterday was a vivid example of what my life will be like if I don’t get my face fixed. If I ever want to get out of the Castro, or the fetish zone, then my face MUST look female. There is a reason why I’m delaying my professional transition until the FFS and now it’s the same reason why I think I’m done “cross dressing”. I simply don’t want to be a freak. I want people to take me seriously as a person, as a woman, and I can see now, that will never happen as long as I look like a man.

Comments

[kd]

Well put my friend. I think your trying too hard and pushing it to much. You have friends at work who are happy for you but on the same hand are sailing though uncharted waters and maybe you should soften the approach. We have talked at our house and have discussed how I should embrace this walk in many ways. This is a learning and growing experience for myself as far as understanding and acceptance. As for others at work including the Big Cheeses this is something they would have never in their wildest dreams ever thought they would be apart of.