I love GIRLS!

Well, that should get a few people's attention. I won't keep you in suspense; I don't love them THAT way. It took me many many years to realize, and then a few more to admit it, but I am definitely not attracted to women sexually. Some people might be reading this and thinking, "duh, look at you!", but the fact that I'm transgender doesn't have anything at all do with my sexuality, but that's a totally different issue that I'm sure I'll write about later.

Whoa, gender and sexuality aren't related? That's some heavy poo to lay on the average straight person, I know, but pretty much all of my friends live very normal, very straight lives. For most of my friends in fact, I'm their ONLY tranny friend. Now, this doesn't seem strange to me at all and to be honest I actually kind of like being the only T-girl in my little social circle. I have felt like an outcast my whole life so I've become quite accustomed to it, but for some weird reason, I do NOT feel like a freak when I'm with my girls.

I'm thinking about this topic today because someone asked me if I always knew I was gay. Well, the answer is a difficult one, yes and no. No, because I wasn't attracted to men until my late teens. Yes, because I wasn't attracted to women sexually until my late teens. Notice that I became attracted to men at around the same time I became "sexually" attracted to women. It's fascinating biology I'm sure, but the real deal here is that I was always, and still am, very attracted to women ...as friends. I have always loved being around girls and was never comfortable hanging out with the guys at all. In my late teens I was always on a quest to find the girls. No girls at the party? Then we gotta hit the road bro, because I need to find some ladies! I was young, and dumb, and full of testosterone, so I never realized what was really going on. Everybody, including me thought I was a ladies man, but the sad reality of it was that I wasn't looking for sex, I was looking for their friendship. I was totally cool just hanging out with them and chatting about whatever, but it always progressed to sex. As soon as the clothes came off, I wanted to be somewhere else. Does that sound gay?

It's true, I really didn't want the sex, emotionally, but of course physically is another story. A 19 year old kid is gonna get it done once the opportunity um, arises. I had a lot of luck with the ladies and you can imagine why, I mean how many long haired 19 year old dudes are willing to just sit and talk with a girl about whatever she wanted to talk about, which was usually other people at the party. I wasn't acting interested, I was genuinely engaged in gossip, and jokes, and lots of laughing, and it's really no surprise that women might find that appealing. Hell, I know I would. ;-)

So throughout my life I've had good luck with women, and it was a curse. Okay, I don't mean a curse in some cheesy teen movie kind of way. I mean that it was extremely confusing for me to be so attracted to them, but yet not attracted to them, at the same time. Ladies, imagine being exactly who you are, and relating to other women exactly the way you do. Except for one tiny little difference, you look like a man! What do you do? Of course they like you, but they don't relate to you in the same way anymore. They think you're a sweet guy and if they're not single, they're not interested. If they are single, they are probably interested in something much different than you are. You're just looking for a friend, but they're looking for a mate. The idea of having a straight man for a girlfriend is just not clicking. Surely you must be interested in something more than walking and talking. Unless you're gay.

Wow, this is one of those extremely rare cases where being gay would be so much easier.

I honestly believe that if I wasn't so deeply confused about my place in the gender spectrum, then I would have just come out as gay before I was 21. What do you do when you just don't feel gay? Now to straight people this little problem might seem easy to decode. I mean really, you're a 19 year old kid who doesn't want to have sex with a teen girl? Totally gay. Next question. It does seem pretty obvious in hindsight but keep in mind that I loved women. I loved to kiss and kissing them aroused me, and how in the hell was I supposed to know the difference between what I was feeling and what any other dude was feeling? I never felt gay, but ...I didn't know that either. What? How complicated does this get? Well, stay with me because I'm about to explain the difference between gay men and trans women. I say that I didn't feel gay because I have a much better perspective now of what it actually means to be gay. Back then I did feel something different, something that I thought might be gay, but I refused to accept it.

I felt like I was a girl.

I'm warning you that I'm writing from the top of my head and I have no idea what I may type next, so this might get deep.

I was not a flamboyant kid. I was sort of pseudo intellectual and a bit of a bookworm. My parents were not happy that I wasn't a rough and tumble boy. They didn't like it that I would get called sissy or fag and I didn't fight back, I didn't like to fight. I was a wimp I guess, but to this day I don't like to physically hurt people. Boys never liked me, I was clumsy and sensitive and smart and I never really cared to play the games they were picking me last for anyway. Ironically, my desire to hang out with the girls is what eventually earned me the title of fag. I learned early that boys didn't play with girls unless they were preying on them. I didn't feel gay, I just didn't feel like a boy.

I felt like a girl.

As I got older I started to realize that there might be something wrong with me. I still did not make the connection that I had some gender issues, but I finally started to think that I might be gay. You see, in my naivete, I thought all gay guys wanted to be girls. It sounds so silly to me now, but back then it made perfect sense. Imagine my confusion when I was still unable to reconcile my attraction to women. I still thought that attraction was born of my sexuality. Was I bisexual?

Who knows what finally brought me to the truth, but there will be plenty more therapy sessions and many more blog posts to explore it. This post is about my girls. I'm finally in a place where I have a complete understanding of the attraction and so do women. I still look like a boy of course, but I'm slowly learning to drop the dude act and just be myself. It's a lot of hard work to undo a lifetime of pretending but it's the most worthwhile work I've ever done, because the rewards are tremendous. The best thing I've experienced over the last couple of years is having real girlfriends. It's truly amazing to be able to relate to women in the way I've always wanted to without any sexual chemistry getting in my way. I can finally say that I am no longer confused about my sexuality.

I love everything about women,  ...except their vaginas. :-)



Comments

[Cyrsti]

Misty, have you read any of "CD Janies" Blog? You can link to it off my blog. over the course of time, she has kind of gone down the same path on this discussion. Not so much the youth part...but the coming to grips with what it all means!
Cyrsti